When the home you’ve built out of fear is more stable than your own stability, where would you choose to live?

I just want to write cute, loving things about you, but I always trip over my words and they don’t turn out the way they’re supposed to. They wouldn’t really compare anyways. 

I think the world just decides that nighttime = time for Eileen to feel like absolute shit for a giant fucking slew of terrible reasons.

I just want to make you so so so happy. I hope that’s okay, or enough, or that I’m able to.

I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore. It’s like my mind has no control over my decisions, like I’ve bound & gagged my logic.

I have to go to dinner tomorrow night with my over-judgmental family, which means I can’t see Shawne tomorrow even though I planned to. I’m quitting smoking, I have ACT prep, I’m doing bad in school. All my problems are minuscule, but they’re adding up and I don’t know. I was feeling really well until last night; now I don’t want to do anything but stay in bed.

And I’m excited. okay

I guess I’m just doing little things to make myself feel temporarily happy…

This isn’t going to make much sense. But there’s this owl like right outside my house, and I can hear it loudly and clearly from where I’m laying. And its sounds remind me of the morning doves that I would wake up to at my cousin’s house when I was little. And it’s just nice.

whenwefallasleep:

You’re looking at me right in the eyes as you tell me that you’ll never be happy until you find this love. The kind of love that will always be with you, the kind of love you can have faith in. It’s the kind that can stop you from running as fast as you can from your self-sickness, and it’s the kind that keeps you waking up every morning with at least a few remnants of hope in your eyes. But your face is slightly wry, saying that you’re losing hope in this love, because you haven’t found it. You doubt you will ever find it.

I want it too. Looking at it right in the eyes, I want it.

I’m actually trying to figure out when I even wrote this.

I feel like I’ve taken so many wrong turns before that I don’t even know where to start.

I still haven’t finished Looking for Alaska but when I do, these are next:

• An Abundance of Katherines by John Green
• Thirteen Reasons Why (because I’ve had it since the summer and still haven’t read it)
• Haunted, Invisible Monsters, Diary, Choke,and Fugitives & Refugees, by Chuck Palahniuk
• Hunger Games
• And then Jason Myers has a new book coming out in June called Dead End

I want someone who loves the stars and moon as much as I do, and will sit with me outside and tell me more about them than I even know. I want someone who will take walks with me and have singalongs and movie marathons. We’ll drink tea on the couch or in bed and go on coffee dates. Someone to walk around stores with me even if we don’t buy anything. Someone to talk with on the phone when either of us are grumpy and someone to spend the weekends with. Someone to introduce to my friends and they’ll love her/possibly him, because that’s what always happens. Someone who will take pictures/make videos with me, someone that I can show off & brag about because I love doing that. Someone who wears sweaters that I can steal and wear 24/7. Someone who supports my weird habits and will smoke with me outside and keep my hands warm when the wind is really cold. They can introduce me to new things and we’ll go do fun things and then once we’re done we’ll nap for hours. I want someone who is willing to stay up as late as I do, talking on the phone (or together in the dark) about either absolutely nothing or really important, deep things. Someone with messy hair that I can play with and someone that loves giving forehead kisses. Someone who doesn’t mind me surprising them with little stupid things, like stuffed animals and love notes (because I really love writing notes). Someone who doesn’t get impatient with me or dismisses things I say. Someone who remembers, actually, everything important thing I share about myself. We can play instruments together and they’ll read good books and we’ll dedicate our favorite songs to each other. And we’ll miss each other when we’re not around. Someone with freckles that I can count and skin that I can graze with my fingertips and flaws that I can fall in love with. Someone with a calm head that will hold me and calm me down when I get crazy. And they’ll mean every word they’ll say, and they’ll keep their word.

Someone more real than this little fairytale I’ve built up inside my head.